When going out for drinks with your special lady friend, there are many important rules you must keep in mind. If you don’t you follow them, you fail. To fail is bad. Don’t fail.
What kind of drink may be the most important thing to keep in mind. A woman is looking for strength and masculinity in a man. Ordering a drink that has a fruit in the name is a no no. Fruit drinks make you seem like you can’t take real alcohol. Only real men can take real alcohol. Not looking like a real man is failure. Instead, look to real manly alcohols, like Wild Turkey and Old Granddad. Do not order it straight up, as only alcoholics order it straight up. Do not be an alcoholics. Women don’t like alcoholics. Instead, order it with water or soda.
When ordering beer, only ask what’s on tap if A) You can’t see the bar or B) there is no beer menu. If you ask what’s on tap when there is a beer menu, the woman will think you don’t pay attention. Women are all about details like anniversaries and birthdays. Not paying attention to details is ot fail. Don’t fail.
You may, however, ask if there are any specialty beers or new arrivals. Doing this makes you look hip and smart, and ladies like the smart hip men. It also shows you have taste. Men with sophisticated taste generally stay away from Budweiser and other generic beers. Ladies do not like generic men. Don’t be generic. Generic is bad. Hip is good.
Do not voluntarily order and buy a woman a drink at a bar. This makes you look desperate. She will think you are trying to get her drunk. This is not good. Instead, let her order her drinks and just pay fort he tab. Paying the bill is gentlemanly. This is good. Women like good.
Good luck, and do not fail.
Sunday, September 14, 2008
Saturday, September 13, 2008
Stay away from Stryper
Sometimes being the nice guy doesn't work because you and the girl may be so compatible with your love of salad and crocs that you can only be friends. Sometimes while girls are afraid by horns and the things they may cause, they are interested and aroused. Use this to your advantage, slightly.
Whatever you do, don't wear any satanic. Pentagrams and junk will be too scary to cause even the slightest amount of arousal. Unless the woman is the devil is disguise, in which case, she's got horns. When your horns collide, you will be under her devil spell and you will burn in hell for failure. Do not fail.
Hint that you know a guy who wears satanic stuff and listens to heavy metal (like Stryper.) For best effects have this guy standing in the shadows, smoking and brooding. At first she'll be aroused by the thought you have a friend, an evil friend. But then when she gets a look at him and his long Lucifer hair, she will be forced into fear and all you have to do is promise to protect her. Girls like protection because their frail bodies can't keep them safe from evil guys with spikes and stuff. Don't ever wear anything with spikes or from Hot Topic, girls don't like that stuff, it's scary.
Once satisfying her need to be protected, you can start talking about how you saved her and how she appreciated it.
Whatever you do, don't wear any satanic. Pentagrams and junk will be too scary to cause even the slightest amount of arousal. Unless the woman is the devil is disguise, in which case, she's got horns. When your horns collide, you will be under her devil spell and you will burn in hell for failure. Do not fail.
Hint that you know a guy who wears satanic stuff and listens to heavy metal (like Stryper.) For best effects have this guy standing in the shadows, smoking and brooding. At first she'll be aroused by the thought you have a friend, an evil friend. But then when she gets a look at him and his long Lucifer hair, she will be forced into fear and all you have to do is promise to protect her. Girls like protection because their frail bodies can't keep them safe from evil guys with spikes and stuff. Don't ever wear anything with spikes or from Hot Topic, girls don't like that stuff, it's scary.
Once satisfying her need to be protected, you can start talking about how you saved her and how she appreciated it.
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
How to order food properly
When at a restaurant with your special lady friend, your food choices are just as important as your fashion choices. Girls will judge you by what you eat and how you eat it. This is very important to keep in mind when reading your favorite restaurant's menu.
Do not order anything with red meat. Most girls don't like red meat because cows are cute to them. Red meat makes them think of cute cows dying, and that will make her cry. Crying is failure. Do not fail.
Do not order anything that is too sloppy. A BBQ pulled pork sandwich will show that you are sloppy as well as your sandwich. If you are daring enough to order said sandwich, be sure to use a fork and knife. In fact, always use a fork and knife. Nothing is as unattractive as an uncivilized man. Civilized men always use forks and knives. If the girl thinks you are uncivilized, she will not like you. That is bad. Forks and knives are good.
To really connect with the girl, order the same thing as her. She will be impressed that you both like the same thing. If she orders a salad, get a salad. Remember, girls like salad, so for you to like salad is to like her. For this she will like you.
Also, don't order dessert unless she does. Don't balk if she orders the surf and turf either. You do not want to come across as cheap. Girls do not like cheap guys. Don't be cheap. To be cheap is to fail. Do not fail.
Make sure you do not drop food on you. If you do, you will be seen as out of control and sloppy. Girls want clean, controlled men. If you do not appears as if you are in control and clean, you will lose the girl. That is bad.
Good luck and happy eating!
Do not order anything with red meat. Most girls don't like red meat because cows are cute to them. Red meat makes them think of cute cows dying, and that will make her cry. Crying is failure. Do not fail.
Do not order anything that is too sloppy. A BBQ pulled pork sandwich will show that you are sloppy as well as your sandwich. If you are daring enough to order said sandwich, be sure to use a fork and knife. In fact, always use a fork and knife. Nothing is as unattractive as an uncivilized man. Civilized men always use forks and knives. If the girl thinks you are uncivilized, she will not like you. That is bad. Forks and knives are good.
To really connect with the girl, order the same thing as her. She will be impressed that you both like the same thing. If she orders a salad, get a salad. Remember, girls like salad, so for you to like salad is to like her. For this she will like you.
Also, don't order dessert unless she does. Don't balk if she orders the surf and turf either. You do not want to come across as cheap. Girls do not like cheap guys. Don't be cheap. To be cheap is to fail. Do not fail.
Make sure you do not drop food on you. If you do, you will be seen as out of control and sloppy. Girls want clean, controlled men. If you do not appears as if you are in control and clean, you will lose the girl. That is bad.
Good luck and happy eating!
Sunday, July 13, 2008
Making the band: The Good Way
Music is very important for dancing and getting girls. But people can't dance to one person playing the guitar, again, if they dance to one guy playing guitar they're probably in a cult. Stay away from cults, they're bad. But how can you make music with out attracting cult members who may give you purple kool-aide? You need to find other people who play music.
Being in a band is cool. First you need a guitar player, then another guitar player and then a drummer. Finding a drummer is hard, since most of them drink excessively and wear t-shirts with pentagrams and horns. Avoid these people for obvious reasons. If you get too close to them, they could unknowingly hurt you. Make sure the person is clean-shaven, has keen fashion sense and the look. You'll know the look when you see it, if you don't try looking harder. It helps.
Once you find a guitarist and a drummer with out Satanic affiliation, you need to find a bass player. Bass really isn't important, but you aren't a band if you don't have bass. Preferably, find one of your friends and just give him a bass. By doing this, you now have a bassist. His primary function is to stand there. If he plays anything, your band fails and no one will dance. But if he looks like he's just standing there, girls will realize you don't have bass and not dance to your music. The easiest way to bypass this problem is to turn off his amp. He will understand.
Make sure your singer is good too. If he screams, it's because he's in pain. When people see him in pain, they will be in pain, and they will cry. Crying is not good. You don't want people to cry. Ever. Crying fails. Dancing succeeds. If people dance to your music while your singer is singing, you have accomplished success. If people stand there or start shoving, pushing and hitting each other, bad things will happen. People may cry. Make sure he has the look, confirm this look with girls. If they think he has the look this is good. But if he has too much of the look, he's going to cut you out of the look department and get more girls than you even though you had the look to begin with.
Don’t be nervous. If you’re nervous, people won’t like you. People need to like you. So you should start by covering some songs people like preferably by The Commodores, Jefferson Starship and Dave Matthews Band. No one can resist a play list of "Brick House", "We Built This City" and "Where are you going". For an encore try "Three Times a Lady" if the girls aren't dancing by then, they obvious have something wrong with their legs or your band isn't good enough.
Don't give up even though you failed. Failure is bad but sometimes failure is okay. It's really never okay, but you can lie to yourself to make you feel better that you failed. Try not to lie to yourself too much. Sometimes it's just best to feel the slap of failure and move along.
If you don't fail, you should try writing songs about girls and common interests. The guide to conversation doubles as guide to songwriting. Remember, Crocs are universal for a good time.
Being in a band is cool. First you need a guitar player, then another guitar player and then a drummer. Finding a drummer is hard, since most of them drink excessively and wear t-shirts with pentagrams and horns. Avoid these people for obvious reasons. If you get too close to them, they could unknowingly hurt you. Make sure the person is clean-shaven, has keen fashion sense and the look. You'll know the look when you see it, if you don't try looking harder. It helps.
Once you find a guitarist and a drummer with out Satanic affiliation, you need to find a bass player. Bass really isn't important, but you aren't a band if you don't have bass. Preferably, find one of your friends and just give him a bass. By doing this, you now have a bassist. His primary function is to stand there. If he plays anything, your band fails and no one will dance. But if he looks like he's just standing there, girls will realize you don't have bass and not dance to your music. The easiest way to bypass this problem is to turn off his amp. He will understand.
Make sure your singer is good too. If he screams, it's because he's in pain. When people see him in pain, they will be in pain, and they will cry. Crying is not good. You don't want people to cry. Ever. Crying fails. Dancing succeeds. If people dance to your music while your singer is singing, you have accomplished success. If people stand there or start shoving, pushing and hitting each other, bad things will happen. People may cry. Make sure he has the look, confirm this look with girls. If they think he has the look this is good. But if he has too much of the look, he's going to cut you out of the look department and get more girls than you even though you had the look to begin with.
Don’t be nervous. If you’re nervous, people won’t like you. People need to like you. So you should start by covering some songs people like preferably by The Commodores, Jefferson Starship and Dave Matthews Band. No one can resist a play list of "Brick House", "We Built This City" and "Where are you going". For an encore try "Three Times a Lady" if the girls aren't dancing by then, they obvious have something wrong with their legs or your band isn't good enough.
Don't give up even though you failed. Failure is bad but sometimes failure is okay. It's really never okay, but you can lie to yourself to make you feel better that you failed. Try not to lie to yourself too much. Sometimes it's just best to feel the slap of failure and move along.
If you don't fail, you should try writing songs about girls and common interests. The guide to conversation doubles as guide to songwriting. Remember, Crocs are universal for a good time.
Comments are welcome
If you have other fantastic and wonderful advice on any topic discussed here, please post a comment with it.
Choosing conversation topics wisely
What you talk about with your special lady friend is almost more important than not being nervous. When you talk to your lady, remember that you need to talk to them about things they like. If you talk about the things you like, they may get bored. They may even cry. Never make a girl cry. If you do, you fail. Don't fail.
Most girls like clothes. They like shoes too. Talk about shoes and clothes. This will surely grab her attention, as she will recognize you are putting a serious effort forth. Talking about Crocs is a great way to start a conversation. Crocs are universal. Even guys know about Crocs. Finding mutually known topics such as Crocs is a good idea as well.
Never, ever talk about hotter hot chicks. Girls are insecure, and making them insecure will make them cry. Do not make a girl cry, ever! It is the ultimate failure.
Girls also like horses and puppies. Talking about horses and puppies will make her think you care about the cute animals, and this is good. Cute animals make the ladies smile, and that's what the whole point of talking to a lady is. Make her smile, not cry.
You may only talk about food if she brings it up. Guys and gals eat different foods. They like salad, men like meat. So, if she brings it up, try to sound intelligent, maybe even say you like some salad. Again, if you both like salad, that is something you can talk about.
Don't swear. Swearing is bad. Swearing makes you look unintelligent. This is only acceptable if the lady swears first. If she does, you two have swearing in common.
Follow these guidelines and you'll surely have a good conversation.
Most girls like clothes. They like shoes too. Talk about shoes and clothes. This will surely grab her attention, as she will recognize you are putting a serious effort forth. Talking about Crocs is a great way to start a conversation. Crocs are universal. Even guys know about Crocs. Finding mutually known topics such as Crocs is a good idea as well.
Never, ever talk about hotter hot chicks. Girls are insecure, and making them insecure will make them cry. Do not make a girl cry, ever! It is the ultimate failure.
Girls also like horses and puppies. Talking about horses and puppies will make her think you care about the cute animals, and this is good. Cute animals make the ladies smile, and that's what the whole point of talking to a lady is. Make her smile, not cry.
You may only talk about food if she brings it up. Guys and gals eat different foods. They like salad, men like meat. So, if she brings it up, try to sound intelligent, maybe even say you like some salad. Again, if you both like salad, that is something you can talk about.
Don't swear. Swearing is bad. Swearing makes you look unintelligent. This is only acceptable if the lady swears first. If she does, you two have swearing in common.
Follow these guidelines and you'll surely have a good conversation.
Friday, July 11, 2008
Don't be Nervous
cTalking is probably as important as mastering the complex dance of The Electric Slide. Not to discredit the complexity of dance machine but it can only take you so far. Dancing is cool, but if you dance too much girls might think you're a robot. After you have successfully dazzled the girl with graceful dance, the real task is at hand: Conversation.
Talking to girls is hard. Don't be nervous. Never be nervous. You become nervous and the girl will smell your nervousness and all your work on the dance floor will be abandoned just like the Charleston. Don't do the Charleston. It fails. If you do become nervous, take a deep breath and smile. A smile is a reassuring gesture that you are sincere and true. Girls like smiles, unless your teeth are yellow and then they may not like your smile. Also, if your teeth are sharp looking, you may want to not smile. Sharp things are like horns. And Horns, well, we know what horns do. Start grinding your teeth if they're sharp, it's good for them anyways.
If you haven't already, give her a card. You should have one ready for just about every occasion. Picking the right card is important; if you accidentally bring "Get Well Soon" your chances are very slim. Unless she laughs. Making a girl laugh is cool; make sure to do that every now and again. But not too much, she may hurt herself laughing and start to cry. This is failure.
In order to make this girl think your cool, you have to pull out most of the stops. Card with a smile, accented with bright orange crocs and armed with the hustle should impress her. But what if she doesn't think you're cool enough? Take it easy. I bet you want to ask her a question, don't do that. Questions are dangerous. They confuse people. Confusion makes people angry. Don't make people angry. Anger is scary. Start off by introducing yourself, by lifting your forearm up to form a 90 degree angle, slightly extend your arm forward holding your hand out open, but not too open. Say your name to her after a generic greeting, Hey-Yo, always does the trick. Hopefully she's given you her name, otherwise, just wing it.
Here are some good things to talk about in your first encounter, guaranteed to make you seem cool and interesting: current events, how cool the current place you're at is, the weather, your fondness for The Bee Gees, movies that are less that six months old and if you feel daring, how good looking she is. Be careful, compliments can be a double sided sword. Rule of thumb, don't compliment unless you know you'll be able to succeed. Otherwise, Hallmark can convey compliments for you.
Don't discuss anything satanic, for obvious reasons. Don't discuss anything that hasn't been approved. If she begins to talk about something that hasn't been discovered, agree with her. Girls like to talk, you should only provide affirmation. If you happen to let out an "Oh" and "Uh", you are deviating from the plans and she may inquire about your opinion. This is bad. Your opinion could sabotage everything. Agreeing and smiling are polite and soon enough you will have lots in common with the girl, enough for a first date and maybe a pants dance.
Remember, don't be nervous. If you become nervous and cannot recover, all your boogie nights are over. Don't be nervous.
Talking to girls is hard. Don't be nervous. Never be nervous. You become nervous and the girl will smell your nervousness and all your work on the dance floor will be abandoned just like the Charleston. Don't do the Charleston. It fails. If you do become nervous, take a deep breath and smile. A smile is a reassuring gesture that you are sincere and true. Girls like smiles, unless your teeth are yellow and then they may not like your smile. Also, if your teeth are sharp looking, you may want to not smile. Sharp things are like horns. And Horns, well, we know what horns do. Start grinding your teeth if they're sharp, it's good for them anyways.
If you haven't already, give her a card. You should have one ready for just about every occasion. Picking the right card is important; if you accidentally bring "Get Well Soon" your chances are very slim. Unless she laughs. Making a girl laugh is cool; make sure to do that every now and again. But not too much, she may hurt herself laughing and start to cry. This is failure.
In order to make this girl think your cool, you have to pull out most of the stops. Card with a smile, accented with bright orange crocs and armed with the hustle should impress her. But what if she doesn't think you're cool enough? Take it easy. I bet you want to ask her a question, don't do that. Questions are dangerous. They confuse people. Confusion makes people angry. Don't make people angry. Anger is scary. Start off by introducing yourself, by lifting your forearm up to form a 90 degree angle, slightly extend your arm forward holding your hand out open, but not too open. Say your name to her after a generic greeting, Hey-Yo, always does the trick. Hopefully she's given you her name, otherwise, just wing it.
Here are some good things to talk about in your first encounter, guaranteed to make you seem cool and interesting: current events, how cool the current place you're at is, the weather, your fondness for The Bee Gees, movies that are less that six months old and if you feel daring, how good looking she is. Be careful, compliments can be a double sided sword. Rule of thumb, don't compliment unless you know you'll be able to succeed. Otherwise, Hallmark can convey compliments for you.
Don't discuss anything satanic, for obvious reasons. Don't discuss anything that hasn't been approved. If she begins to talk about something that hasn't been discovered, agree with her. Girls like to talk, you should only provide affirmation. If you happen to let out an "Oh" and "Uh", you are deviating from the plans and she may inquire about your opinion. This is bad. Your opinion could sabotage everything. Agreeing and smiling are polite and soon enough you will have lots in common with the girl, enough for a first date and maybe a pants dance.
Remember, don't be nervous. If you become nervous and cannot recover, all your boogie nights are over. Don't be nervous.
Thursday, July 10, 2008
Become a fierce dancing machine
Dancing is an important part of the getting girls process. To get girls, they need to know that you can and will dance with skill and aptitude. I am here to teach you just how to dance and dance well, so in the end you will be a lean, mean dancing machine.
First and foremost is you must have rhythm. If you do not have it, you must get it. Buy yourself a metronome. Count to it every time it clicks. That's rhythm. Now, move to it. Side to side, swaying like a willow in the wind. Do it with each click. There, you've got rhythm. Now let's dance!
There are many different techniques you must employ in order for the girl to want to dance with you. If you are clapping to the music, but it seems like everyone else is clapping at a different time than you, you are out of rhythm. This will end your dancing career very quickly if you do not correct this. When clapping, make sure you are not that guy. Otherwise, you fail. To fail is bad. Don't fail. The best way to make sure you are one with the crowd rhythm is to do the Electric Slide. Once you have perfected this masterful and graceful dance technique, you will be ready.
When you are dancing, make sure to mix up the moves which you use. If you are doing the cabbage patch too much, then you show that you have no diversity in your dancing arsenal. You must also avoid rolling the dice to much, for it is a dicey move in and of itself. If you do this too much, you will alert the ladyfolk that your dancing prowess is weak, and you will fail with the ladies. If you can mix up your moves, maybe even make one up, then you are good to go.
When you are dancing with a lady, be very careful to follow the dressing advice. A slow dance can come to a sad and tragic end if your shirt stabs her. Dancing close to each other is good. It means she likes you. But, if you dance together, and you lose rhythm, you'll lose the girl to someone who can dance. If you look like you are uncomfortable and your moves are jerky and stiff, you will fail. You must be fluid, moving like the wind through a beautiful lady's hair.
The shoes are very important. You must have stylish yet comfortable shoes, like Crocs. Ladies like Crocs, and they will connect with you if you are wearing Crocs. They also are comfortable which will come in handy for those dancing marathons.
Good luck dancing, and do not fail!
First and foremost is you must have rhythm. If you do not have it, you must get it. Buy yourself a metronome. Count to it every time it clicks. That's rhythm. Now, move to it. Side to side, swaying like a willow in the wind. Do it with each click. There, you've got rhythm. Now let's dance!
There are many different techniques you must employ in order for the girl to want to dance with you. If you are clapping to the music, but it seems like everyone else is clapping at a different time than you, you are out of rhythm. This will end your dancing career very quickly if you do not correct this. When clapping, make sure you are not that guy. Otherwise, you fail. To fail is bad. Don't fail. The best way to make sure you are one with the crowd rhythm is to do the Electric Slide. Once you have perfected this masterful and graceful dance technique, you will be ready.
When you are dancing, make sure to mix up the moves which you use. If you are doing the cabbage patch too much, then you show that you have no diversity in your dancing arsenal. You must also avoid rolling the dice to much, for it is a dicey move in and of itself. If you do this too much, you will alert the ladyfolk that your dancing prowess is weak, and you will fail with the ladies. If you can mix up your moves, maybe even make one up, then you are good to go.
When you are dancing with a lady, be very careful to follow the dressing advice. A slow dance can come to a sad and tragic end if your shirt stabs her. Dancing close to each other is good. It means she likes you. But, if you dance together, and you lose rhythm, you'll lose the girl to someone who can dance. If you look like you are uncomfortable and your moves are jerky and stiff, you will fail. You must be fluid, moving like the wind through a beautiful lady's hair.
The shoes are very important. You must have stylish yet comfortable shoes, like Crocs. Ladies like Crocs, and they will connect with you if you are wearing Crocs. They also are comfortable which will come in handy for those dancing marathons.
Good luck dancing, and do not fail!
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
Girls like stuff
When you go out on a date with a girl, make sure to get her a gift. Like a card. Cards are really nice. Don't go all out, if you get a girl one of those singing cards odds are she'll be to preoccupied with the song to pay attention to the message of the card. Make sure you get an envelope with the gold seal sticker. A card with an envelope and a gold seal sends a good message. Girls like to be treated nice, so if you don't get her a thoughtful card make sure to get her a stuffed animal. Make sure it's playful but not too emotionally attachable. The worst thing you can do is make a girl cry on the first date. This is your ultimate mistake. Also make sure not to just say "Hey, here's a gift." You've got to be tactful, whatever that means. Be like "Hey, I heard you like cards, so I got you one." That's pretty classy. Girls like class. Oh and if you get a girl a stuffed animal it has a bow on it, since you can't fit the animal in the envelope. Remember, girls don't like to cry. Don't make them cry. Ever.
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
How to dress not satanic
Don't wear anything with pentagrams and stuff. Those things, because they are from hell, will burn you. Badly. Don't wear shirts with things with horns on them. If you hug a girl, you may stab her. That could end a date really quickly. Stabbing people is also illegal, so those shirts have that going against them as well. Jail is bad. You don't want to go to jail. Well, unless you're homeless and you need food and cannot afford it. Then maybe jail is better for you. But usually it is bad. It means you failed in life. Being a failure is bad. So, if you wear satanic shirts, you fail. Do not fail.
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