In this rough economy of ours, you probably don't have a job anymore. You're probably having trouble getting one. Interviews are rare these days. But, if you do get one, here are some sure-fire tips to get you hired.
1. Swear alot. Swearing shows confidence. It'll show you won't take any guff from anyone and that you're not afraid of them. Fear is bad. Fear is failure. Don't fail.
2. Don't dress traditionally. Wear something like a gi with tabi boots. If you dress like Bruce Lee, no one will want to mess with you. In fact, it'll show strength and courage. Courage is good.
3. Ask the interviewers out for a drink or two afterward. They want someone they can get along with. Even offer to buy their drinks. This will show you're easy going and generous. However, don't offer to buy drinks if you're interviewing for a lending or insurance company. They want cheap, not generous.
4. Finally, tell them you'll have their position in five or less years. All employers like ambitious people. Ambition is good. If you have no ambition you wil fail. Failing is bad. Don't fail.
Follow this advice and you'll be hired in no time! Good luck!
Thursday, March 17, 2011
Saturday, May 22, 2010
Roses are Red and sometimes Yellow
Sometimes the close encounter of the female kind cannot be won over with salads and crocs. Sometimes even if you are clean cut, not wearing satanic stuff and have a fierce sense of dance you will not win her over. You might be contemplating suicide. Don't do that. That's not good. People will cry, including your mom. And we all love our moms and they love us back; we don't want them to cry. Don't suicide.
But what other options are you left with?
Not many. But one is Poetry.
Girls like poetry and Sex in the City, but talk about Samantha and Mr. Big can only go so far. And if you can't talk to them about Sex in the City to begin with, you have to take things to the next level with words, that sometimes rhyme and sometimes tell a story, but always are romantic and always written down and then read aloud.
Start off by finding out what your potential mate likes. Automatically assume that she likes romantic stuff. If she doesn't, that means she's probably into the opposite of romantic stuff and you can't write poetry about non-romantic stuff. So avoid that person, you will fail. No one wants to fail on purpose.
So, you found out she's a good girl and she loves her mother. That and she loves Jesus and America too. Being a good girl, loving ones mother, Jesus and America all have lots of information and valuable lessons but transforming it into a poem is really hard since you have to condense like all the Bibles and History books into like one thing. Sometimes there's conflicting information too.
Keep it simple. Four lines. Maybe five if you want to risk it. You've only got one shot with this poem, you don't want to read like six or seven lines to the girl because then she'll think that this is a story and not a poem. Stories put people to sleep. You don't want to put her to sleep.
Poems are always short. And they always rhyme. They're also romantic. Roses are romantic which is why they're usually paired with other romantic things like Teddy Bears and boxes of chocolate. All of these things profess your love for and to them so be explicit in your poem that you like them, just because they can't squeeze your poem or eat it.
Try something like this:
Odds are she will soon swoon for your heart and you have wooed her into a food date and/or non-food date. Once having broken the ice, you can proceed with our other good advice. She may want more poems, so, work on your rhymes. I suggest using websites like www.rhymezone.com. with tricky words like "much" as in "I love you so much".
Remember: write poetry, don't suicide, your mom loves you.
But what other options are you left with?
Not many. But one is Poetry.
Girls like poetry and Sex in the City, but talk about Samantha and Mr. Big can only go so far. And if you can't talk to them about Sex in the City to begin with, you have to take things to the next level with words, that sometimes rhyme and sometimes tell a story, but always are romantic and always written down and then read aloud.
Start off by finding out what your potential mate likes. Automatically assume that she likes romantic stuff. If she doesn't, that means she's probably into the opposite of romantic stuff and you can't write poetry about non-romantic stuff. So avoid that person, you will fail. No one wants to fail on purpose.
So, you found out she's a good girl and she loves her mother. That and she loves Jesus and America too. Being a good girl, loving ones mother, Jesus and America all have lots of information and valuable lessons but transforming it into a poem is really hard since you have to condense like all the Bibles and History books into like one thing. Sometimes there's conflicting information too.
Keep it simple. Four lines. Maybe five if you want to risk it. You've only got one shot with this poem, you don't want to read like six or seven lines to the girl because then she'll think that this is a story and not a poem. Stories put people to sleep. You don't want to put her to sleep.
Poems are always short. And they always rhyme. They're also romantic. Roses are romantic which is why they're usually paired with other romantic things like Teddy Bears and boxes of chocolate. All of these things profess your love for and to them so be explicit in your poem that you like them, just because they can't squeeze your poem or eat it.
Try something like this:
Roses are Red and sometimes Yellow
I like Jesus and America just like you
I heard some music with violin and cello
It wasn't satanic so it wasn't Motley Crue
You're pretty and cute, I'll be your Fellow
I like Jesus and America just like you
I heard some music with violin and cello
It wasn't satanic so it wasn't Motley Crue
You're pretty and cute, I'll be your Fellow
Odds are she will soon swoon for your heart and you have wooed her into a food date and/or non-food date. Once having broken the ice, you can proceed with our other good advice. She may want more poems, so, work on your rhymes. I suggest using websites like www.rhymezone.com. with tricky words like "much" as in "I love you so much".
Remember: write poetry, don't suicide, your mom loves you.
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Transit is good
Before I begin on the next other good advice I have to offer. It's been a while, I hope you haven't failed. If you have failed, we take partial responsibility, because we have failed by not posting and that's not good. We promise to get good and do better.
Transit between your potential date's location and the dating zone is very important. Most would naturally assume that meeting your special lady friend at the dining area and/or drinking are would be ideal, but this is major faux pas. Faux pas is French. The French are failures. Don't fail.
Any form of transportation will do, however, there are certain rules that go along with each mode of transit.
The Bus: This one is tricky, very tricky. The bus has advertisements, some of these advertisements may be provocative and sexually explicit. If you get on a bus and pick up your lady on such said bus that has exotic and erotic imagery, she may get the wrong idea. Wait for a bus that doesn't have an Axe Advertisement on the side, she'll appreciate your concern for her emotional well being.
The Car: If you have a car, that might be good. Girls like cars, but just like Satanic things, cars sometimes have sharp objects. Don't worry if your car has sharp objects, there is an easy solution. Apply tennis balls to any and every sharp object on your car. Sometimes this requires glue and innovation. A woman will feel protected in your car when tennis balls are attached to sharp objects. They won't get cut my the horns of the car and they won't cry because they got cut or something. Also, the color green is comforting to women. It's been proven by science.
The Bicycle: Don't ride the bicycle unless you're taking your date to a cycling marathon.
The Motorcycle: Under no circumstance pick up your date in a motorcycle. The thought will excite her, the thought of her against you will excite you, but when that excitement wears off she will think you're apart of Hell's Angels. The Angel part is alright, but Hell isn't. Hell is where evil bands like Stryper come from. And that's scary. Since you're an Angel from Hell, she'll naturally assume that you are taking her to hell.
Don't take your date to hell on the first date. That's not a good idea.
The Segway: This is the ideal form of transportation for dating transit. The Segway has two round wheels and no sharp features to it's body. It can only travel at speeds of 12 mph, keeping the rush of the motorcycle with out Lucifer welcoming you to his humble home. And the Segway is a green machine. Once again, women like the color green, so this is good.
Good luck, get good and do better.
Transit between your potential date's location and the dating zone is very important. Most would naturally assume that meeting your special lady friend at the dining area and/or drinking are would be ideal, but this is major faux pas. Faux pas is French. The French are failures. Don't fail.
Any form of transportation will do, however, there are certain rules that go along with each mode of transit.
The Bus: This one is tricky, very tricky. The bus has advertisements, some of these advertisements may be provocative and sexually explicit. If you get on a bus and pick up your lady on such said bus that has exotic and erotic imagery, she may get the wrong idea. Wait for a bus that doesn't have an Axe Advertisement on the side, she'll appreciate your concern for her emotional well being.
The Car: If you have a car, that might be good. Girls like cars, but just like Satanic things, cars sometimes have sharp objects. Don't worry if your car has sharp objects, there is an easy solution. Apply tennis balls to any and every sharp object on your car. Sometimes this requires glue and innovation. A woman will feel protected in your car when tennis balls are attached to sharp objects. They won't get cut my the horns of the car and they won't cry because they got cut or something. Also, the color green is comforting to women. It's been proven by science.
The Bicycle: Don't ride the bicycle unless you're taking your date to a cycling marathon.
The Motorcycle: Under no circumstance pick up your date in a motorcycle. The thought will excite her, the thought of her against you will excite you, but when that excitement wears off she will think you're apart of Hell's Angels. The Angel part is alright, but Hell isn't. Hell is where evil bands like Stryper come from. And that's scary. Since you're an Angel from Hell, she'll naturally assume that you are taking her to hell.
Don't take your date to hell on the first date. That's not a good idea.
The Segway: This is the ideal form of transportation for dating transit. The Segway has two round wheels and no sharp features to it's body. It can only travel at speeds of 12 mph, keeping the rush of the motorcycle with out Lucifer welcoming you to his humble home. And the Segway is a green machine. Once again, women like the color green, so this is good.
Good luck, get good and do better.
Friday, May 29, 2009
Non food date
One of the things you must do is to take your special lady friend on dates. However, you must not have just food. Food makes you fat and ladies do not like fat guys. to get fat is to fail. Don't fail.
When thinking of dates, think about what women like. You may want to take her skydiving. Women like dangerous men. Skydiving is dangerous. This will lead her to like you because you're dangerous.
You might also think about taking her shopping. When shopping, you must act like you like to shop. If you give her the signal that you don't like what she likes, she will leave you for a man who is smart enough to act like they like what she likes. Also important is to never tell her she's fat in the jeans, even if she has a muffin top. Telling her's fat will make her cry. Crying is failure. Do not fail!
Finally, never double date. Double dating always end up in a competition for who is the better couple. This is a sure fire way to get your friends to hate you. This would be bad. And if you lose the competition, you'll lose your special lady friend.
Good luck and don't fail
When thinking of dates, think about what women like. You may want to take her skydiving. Women like dangerous men. Skydiving is dangerous. This will lead her to like you because you're dangerous.
You might also think about taking her shopping. When shopping, you must act like you like to shop. If you give her the signal that you don't like what she likes, she will leave you for a man who is smart enough to act like they like what she likes. Also important is to never tell her she's fat in the jeans, even if she has a muffin top. Telling her's fat will make her cry. Crying is failure. Do not fail!
Finally, never double date. Double dating always end up in a competition for who is the better couple. This is a sure fire way to get your friends to hate you. This would be bad. And if you lose the competition, you'll lose your special lady friend.
Good luck and don't fail
Saturday, January 31, 2009
Meeting the parents
Meeting the parents is an important step in not failing with your woman. Parents are often critical of what you wear. Make sure to follow the advice from my first post. Especially if they are catholic. Your devil shirt and their cross will cause Judgment Day, and that is bad. Make sure your shoes are shiny. If they are not, you look dirty. Dirty is bad. Dirty is failure. Do not fail.
When talking with the parents, avoid the following topics: Sex, drugs, Kevin Costner and midgets. These topics tend to offend people, and you do not want to offend your special lady friend’s parents. Offending them is a sure fire way to make sure you and her will no longer be special. If the father asks you if you are having sex with his daughter, say no. Even if it’s a lie. This is the only time it’s a good idea to lie. Otherwise, never lie. Fathers can smell lies.
Make sure you compliment your lady friend’s mother’s hair and shoes. These always impress the ladies and she will surely like you for your attention to detail and suave moves. Also make sure to make eye contact all of the time. If your eyes wander toward Moms’ chest, you are going to get punched by Dad. Same goes if you look at your lady friend’s womanly parts.
Accept whatever drink the father gives you, even if you don’t like it. Rejecting his drink is a major no no. Drink it and act like you like it. This will impress the father because he will feel bonded to you. Bonding with the father is important, because daughters listen to their fathers. Also, eat everything on your plate if over for diner. Not finishing will make the mother think she can’t cook. This will make her cry. Making women dry is failure. Do not fail.
Follow these simple rules and you will not fail. Good luck.
When talking with the parents, avoid the following topics: Sex, drugs, Kevin Costner and midgets. These topics tend to offend people, and you do not want to offend your special lady friend’s parents. Offending them is a sure fire way to make sure you and her will no longer be special. If the father asks you if you are having sex with his daughter, say no. Even if it’s a lie. This is the only time it’s a good idea to lie. Otherwise, never lie. Fathers can smell lies.
Make sure you compliment your lady friend’s mother’s hair and shoes. These always impress the ladies and she will surely like you for your attention to detail and suave moves. Also make sure to make eye contact all of the time. If your eyes wander toward Moms’ chest, you are going to get punched by Dad. Same goes if you look at your lady friend’s womanly parts.
Accept whatever drink the father gives you, even if you don’t like it. Rejecting his drink is a major no no. Drink it and act like you like it. This will impress the father because he will feel bonded to you. Bonding with the father is important, because daughters listen to their fathers. Also, eat everything on your plate if over for diner. Not finishing will make the mother think she can’t cook. This will make her cry. Making women dry is failure. Do not fail.
Follow these simple rules and you will not fail. Good luck.
Sunday, September 14, 2008
Alcoholism is failure
When going out for drinks with your special lady friend, there are many important rules you must keep in mind. If you don’t you follow them, you fail. To fail is bad. Don’t fail.
What kind of drink may be the most important thing to keep in mind. A woman is looking for strength and masculinity in a man. Ordering a drink that has a fruit in the name is a no no. Fruit drinks make you seem like you can’t take real alcohol. Only real men can take real alcohol. Not looking like a real man is failure. Instead, look to real manly alcohols, like Wild Turkey and Old Granddad. Do not order it straight up, as only alcoholics order it straight up. Do not be an alcoholics. Women don’t like alcoholics. Instead, order it with water or soda.
When ordering beer, only ask what’s on tap if A) You can’t see the bar or B) there is no beer menu. If you ask what’s on tap when there is a beer menu, the woman will think you don’t pay attention. Women are all about details like anniversaries and birthdays. Not paying attention to details is ot fail. Don’t fail.
You may, however, ask if there are any specialty beers or new arrivals. Doing this makes you look hip and smart, and ladies like the smart hip men. It also shows you have taste. Men with sophisticated taste generally stay away from Budweiser and other generic beers. Ladies do not like generic men. Don’t be generic. Generic is bad. Hip is good.
Do not voluntarily order and buy a woman a drink at a bar. This makes you look desperate. She will think you are trying to get her drunk. This is not good. Instead, let her order her drinks and just pay fort he tab. Paying the bill is gentlemanly. This is good. Women like good.
Good luck, and do not fail.
What kind of drink may be the most important thing to keep in mind. A woman is looking for strength and masculinity in a man. Ordering a drink that has a fruit in the name is a no no. Fruit drinks make you seem like you can’t take real alcohol. Only real men can take real alcohol. Not looking like a real man is failure. Instead, look to real manly alcohols, like Wild Turkey and Old Granddad. Do not order it straight up, as only alcoholics order it straight up. Do not be an alcoholics. Women don’t like alcoholics. Instead, order it with water or soda.
When ordering beer, only ask what’s on tap if A) You can’t see the bar or B) there is no beer menu. If you ask what’s on tap when there is a beer menu, the woman will think you don’t pay attention. Women are all about details like anniversaries and birthdays. Not paying attention to details is ot fail. Don’t fail.
You may, however, ask if there are any specialty beers or new arrivals. Doing this makes you look hip and smart, and ladies like the smart hip men. It also shows you have taste. Men with sophisticated taste generally stay away from Budweiser and other generic beers. Ladies do not like generic men. Don’t be generic. Generic is bad. Hip is good.
Do not voluntarily order and buy a woman a drink at a bar. This makes you look desperate. She will think you are trying to get her drunk. This is not good. Instead, let her order her drinks and just pay fort he tab. Paying the bill is gentlemanly. This is good. Women like good.
Good luck, and do not fail.
Saturday, September 13, 2008
Stay away from Stryper
Sometimes being the nice guy doesn't work because you and the girl may be so compatible with your love of salad and crocs that you can only be friends. Sometimes while girls are afraid by horns and the things they may cause, they are interested and aroused. Use this to your advantage, slightly.
Whatever you do, don't wear any satanic. Pentagrams and junk will be too scary to cause even the slightest amount of arousal. Unless the woman is the devil is disguise, in which case, she's got horns. When your horns collide, you will be under her devil spell and you will burn in hell for failure. Do not fail.
Hint that you know a guy who wears satanic stuff and listens to heavy metal (like Stryper.) For best effects have this guy standing in the shadows, smoking and brooding. At first she'll be aroused by the thought you have a friend, an evil friend. But then when she gets a look at him and his long Lucifer hair, she will be forced into fear and all you have to do is promise to protect her. Girls like protection because their frail bodies can't keep them safe from evil guys with spikes and stuff. Don't ever wear anything with spikes or from Hot Topic, girls don't like that stuff, it's scary.
Once satisfying her need to be protected, you can start talking about how you saved her and how she appreciated it.
Whatever you do, don't wear any satanic. Pentagrams and junk will be too scary to cause even the slightest amount of arousal. Unless the woman is the devil is disguise, in which case, she's got horns. When your horns collide, you will be under her devil spell and you will burn in hell for failure. Do not fail.
Hint that you know a guy who wears satanic stuff and listens to heavy metal (like Stryper.) For best effects have this guy standing in the shadows, smoking and brooding. At first she'll be aroused by the thought you have a friend, an evil friend. But then when she gets a look at him and his long Lucifer hair, she will be forced into fear and all you have to do is promise to protect her. Girls like protection because their frail bodies can't keep them safe from evil guys with spikes and stuff. Don't ever wear anything with spikes or from Hot Topic, girls don't like that stuff, it's scary.
Once satisfying her need to be protected, you can start talking about how you saved her and how she appreciated it.
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