Roses are Red and sometimes Yellow

Sometimes the close encounter of the female kind cannot be won over with salads and crocs. Sometimes even if you are clean cut, not wearing satanic stuff and have a fierce sense of dance you will not win her over. You might be contemplating suicide. Don't do that. That's not good. People will cry, including your mom. And we all love our moms and they love us back; we don't want them to cry. Don't suicide.

But what other options are you left with?

Not many. But one is Poetry.

Girls like poetry and Sex in the City, but talk about Samantha and Mr. Big can only go so far. And if you can't talk to them about Sex in the City to begin with, you have to take things to the next level with words, that sometimes rhyme and sometimes tell a story, but always are romantic and always written down and then read aloud.

Start off by finding out what your potential mate likes. Automatically assume that she likes romantic stuff. If she doesn't, that means she's probably into the opposite of romantic stuff and you can't write poetry about non-romantic stuff. So avoid that person, you will fail. No one wants to fail on purpose.

So, you found out she's a good girl and she loves her mother. That and she loves Jesus and America too. Being a good girl, loving ones mother, Jesus and America all have lots of information and valuable lessons but transforming it into a poem is really hard since you have to condense like all the Bibles and History books into like one thing. Sometimes there's conflicting information too.

Keep it simple. Four lines. Maybe five if you want to risk it. You've only got one shot with this poem, you don't want to read like six or seven lines to the girl because then she'll think that this is a story and not a poem. Stories put people to sleep. You don't want to put her to sleep.

Poems are always short. And they always rhyme. They're also romantic. Roses are romantic which is why they're usually paired with other romantic things like Teddy Bears and boxes of chocolate. All of these things profess your love for and to them so be explicit in your poem that you like them, just because they can't squeeze your poem or eat it.

Try something like this:

Roses are Red and sometimes Yellow
I like Jesus and America just like you
I heard some music with violin and cello
It wasn't satanic so it wasn't Motley Crue
You're pretty and cute, I'll be your Fellow

Odds are she will soon swoon for your heart and you have wooed her into a food date and/or non-food date. Once having broken the ice, you can proceed with our other good advice. She may want more poems, so, work on your rhymes. I suggest using websites like www.rhymezone.com. with tricky words like "much" as in "I love you so much".

Remember: write poetry, don't suicide, your mom loves you.

Transit is good

Before I begin on the next other good advice I have to offer. It's been a while, I hope you haven't failed. If you have failed, we take partial responsibility, because we have failed by not posting and that's not good. We promise to get good and do better.

Transit between your potential date's location and the dating zone is very important. Most would naturally assume that meeting your special lady friend at the dining area and/or drinking are would be ideal, but this is major faux pas. Faux pas is French. The French are failures. Don't fail.

Any form of transportation will do, however, there are certain rules that go along with each mode of transit.

The Bus: This one is tricky, very tricky. The bus has advertisements, some of these advertisements may be provocative and sexually explicit. If you get on a bus and pick up your lady on such said bus that has exotic and erotic imagery, she may get the wrong idea. Wait for a bus that doesn't have an Axe Advertisement on the side, she'll appreciate your concern for her emotional well being.

The Car: If you have a car, that might be good. Girls like cars, but just like Satanic things, cars sometimes have sharp objects. Don't worry if your car has sharp objects, there is an easy solution. Apply tennis balls to any and every sharp object on your car. Sometimes this requires glue and innovation. A woman will feel protected in your car when tennis balls are attached to sharp objects. They won't get cut my the horns of the car and they won't cry because they got cut or something. Also, the color green is comforting to women. It's been proven by science.

The Bicycle: Don't ride the bicycle unless you're taking your date to a cycling marathon.

The Motorcycle: Under no circumstance pick up your date in a motorcycle. The thought will excite her, the thought of her against you will excite you, but when that excitement wears off she will think you're apart of Hell's Angels. The Angel part is alright, but Hell isn't. Hell is where evil bands like Stryper come from. And that's scary. Since you're an Angel from Hell, she'll naturally assume that you are taking her to hell.

Don't take your date to hell on the first date. That's not a good idea.

The Segway: This is the ideal form of transportation for dating transit. The Segway has two round wheels and no sharp features to it's body. It can only travel at speeds of 12 mph, keeping the rush of the motorcycle with out Lucifer welcoming you to his humble home. And the Segway is a green machine. Once again, women like the color green, so this is good.

Good luck, get good and do better.